The Dimness of Edward
by screamsevi
Summary: Now being REVAMPED! Oneshot. Bella's on her period, and she doesn't want Edward to know, but he is making that surprisngly difficult. And how is it possible that he can't figure out what's wrong when he's as old as he is? PreEclipse. R & R!
1. The Dimness of Edward

Hey everyone! I know you all probably thought this was an update, and I'm sorry to get your hopes up, but I wanted to announce that I'll be taking the chapters down and reposting them over the next few months. The reason that I'm doing this is because I feel like this story could really use a rewrite - not because it's _bad_, but because my writing style has evolved over the years. Don't worry, all of the chapters will still be the same, but some of them will be written a lot better... hopefully a lot funnier! I feel like I owe it to everyone to do this; I really want to make it the best that it can be!

So starting tonight, I'll be redoing and posting probably the first chapter. After that, I'll probably post the next chapter every week or so until everything is up. Like I said, I really want to make this the best possible story that I can for you all, so thank you all for sticking with me! I really appreciate it!

-Selene

* * *

I woke up late one Saturday morning to the unfortunate realization that I would have to cancel my plans for the day with my beloved Edward. I knew that there was absolutely no way I could be around him in the state I was currently in; I was sure he would find me much harder to tolerate and try not to kill while I was in my period. As disappointing as this was, I knew it couldn't be helped, because I cared far to much about his well-being to risk seeing him on a day like this.

_Damn it_, I thought to myself as I stretched my arms up over my head. How could I tell him not to come over without sounding like something was wrong? If I told him I was sick, he would come over in a proverbial heartbeat, wanting to take care of me. I couldn't tell him I had other plans, much as I would have liked to, because let's face the cold, hard truth: outside of Edward and the Cullen family, I really didn't have any other friends. Even Jacob Black no longer talked to me, thanks to the whole "Italy debacle." And it wasn't like I could tell Edward that I had to spend time with Charlie today, because he knew Charlie had to pull an extra shift.

All of this ran through my head, as I rubbed the sleep from my eyes, and yet telling him the truth never crossed my mind...

I had decided to take a shower before making any decisions about how to tell Edward that I couldn't see him anytime in the near future, when I started to think... It wasn't like it was a big deal, right? In fact, why should I cancel my plans with Edward at all? Why couldn't we just get through the day as though it were normal? Edward and I had been dating on and off again for a year and a half. Surely he had been around me when I was on my period before... right?

I cracked my neck, mulling it over. The first time I had gotten my period while in Forks was when Edward had disappeared up to Alaska for a week, so he hadn't been around me then. After that, I'd had it when he wasn't at school (probably hunting, now that I thought about it), when he was hunting, when he was hunting, when he was trying to best Emmett in Oregan, when he was hunting... I could fell my heart start to sink; it wasn't going very well. I continued my mental list. Once more he was hunting, hunting with Jasper, visiting the Alaskan clan... and then I was in the hospital after James' attack. And then Edward had disappeared.

So he had never been around me before when I was in my period. _Oh no, _I thought, as my nerves began to bubble up inside me. How would this go? He couldn't... Would he be tempted by me? Would I die if he came over? Should I call the whole thing off? I shook my head, rolling out of bed to take a shower. I had to ponder it over some more.

And then the first cramp hit.

I groaned, collapsing onto my bed as I curled my legs around me. _Oh, come on!_ I thought, my teeth gritted together in pain. _There is no way Edward can see me like this,_ I thought to myself as my eyes fluttered shut of their own accord. _No way_...

* * *

I woke for the second time that day to an eerie scratching sound that filled the room. At first, it took me a minute to place it, but I soon realized that it was coming from my window.

And then my heart skipped a beat. There was only one person that I truly thought it could be. She had finally slipped through the cracks; she had come for me. I could only hope that because of the state that I was in, she wouldn't be able to help herself and she would make it quick. Because Victoria was here for me, and I had no where to run.

"Dammit," I muttered, my heart racing frantically. How could I get through this? How could I live? The answer was quite obvious; I wouldn't.

I frantically looked around the room, searching for a way out, to find some escape that would help me to keep living, but it was hopeless. Victoria was going to get me, and there was nothing I could do. Oh, what would Charlie think? And Renee, and Edward, oh my Edward! I couldn't give up. I had to fight.

I grabbed my desk chair and held it in front of me as though it were a weapon. In this case it _was_ my weapon. I looked out the window, ready to face my attacker and her fiery red mane, wishing I could see Edward one last time-

And then I did. I screamed in shock, and promptly dropped my chair onto my foot.

Edward was at the window, frantically trying to pry it open, and he looked as scared as I had recently felt. Relief flowed though me as my heart began its slow descent back into a normal rhythm. It was just Edward, not Victoria. Everything was going to be okay.

I hopped over to my window, careful to keep my recently injured foot from having too much pressure on it, and I opened the window to let in Edward. In a flash, I was laying on my bed with him on top of me. While normally, I would have been overjoyed at the prospect to have my boyfriend so eager to kiss me, he was, unfortunately, not in that kind of mood. Instead, he proceeded to pull at my arms and legs, turning them over as though he were looking for something.

"Edward," I asked, slowly as he lifted my elbow up over my head. "What the hell are you doing?"

"What happened?" he demanded, putting my elbow done in favor of my knee.

"What are you talking about?"

"How did you get hurt? Are you okay? No," he said to himself. "Of course you're not okay. You could be dying- Oh god, what if you're dying? I should take you to the hospital, or to Carlisle, he'll know what to do. Or maybe-"

"Edward, Edward! May I ask what the hell you're talking about? What do you mean I'm dying? All I did was drop a chair on my foot and that's hardly a fatal wound. I mean, it may bruise bit, but.."

"Bella," he said slowly, as though he were trying not to frighten me. "You smell like you're bleeding. Now that in itself isn't the issue because you are an easy bleeder and always getting cut up and such."

It slowly dawned on me what he was getting at. I could feel my checks getting red. _Oh god,_ I thought to myself as he continued.

"What's worrying, Bella, is the fact that the blood smells dead," he continued. "Now it is _imperative _that I find out what's wrong with you, Bella, because I need to make sure you're okay. We should probably take you to the hospital, otherwise you could-"

"Edward," I interrupted, my cheeks beginning to flame. "I understand you're concerned about my well-being and all, but really. I'm fine. Trust me on this one." I was sure by now that my checks were a crimson red, but Edward didn't notice.

"Bella, stop playing the part of the hero. I know you're hurt and you need to let someone help you. Please, come with me to the hospital. Don't make me drag you there myself, because I will if-"

"No!" I said sharply, my eyes widening in fear. How awkward would that be? In the hospital because of my period... "I'm fine! Please don't take me anywhere. I'll be okay, just go!"

"Bella," he sighed. "I-"

"No! Leave me alone!"

"Bella don't get yourself all worked up." His tone was serious now. "It's a bad idea, you could go into shock, or-"

"Edward, please just go away!"

A pained look settled onto his face as he silently stared at me. I felt bad for being so harsh with him; I needed to explain. Yet before I could speak, the pained expression that had taken over his face disappeared, and a perfect mask of calm took its place. I sighed, preparing to speak again, but I was instantly cut off as pain once more filled my abdomen.

I was unable to help myself; I fell back onto the bed, dragging my knees up to my chest as I curled into a ball and slowly rocked myself as a groan emerged from my mouth.

Instantly, Edward's anger and sadness towards me evaporated as he jumped towards me, hovering over me with uncertainty. "Bella! Bella, are you okay? What happened? Bella-"

Giving another muffled groan, I stood up on two shaky legs and quickly moved towards my bathroom, bypassing the baffled Edward. I opened the medicine cabinet and grabbed the vial of painkillers that sat on the top shelf. It took me a moment to get the lid off; coordination was difficult at this point. But eventually, I managed, and before long I had popped two of the bright white pills into my mouth.

I didn't hesitate in swallowing the pills; I couldn't _wait_ for them to take effect. As I screwed the lid back onto the vial, Edward laid on of his hands tentatively onto my right shoulder. "Bella," he said softly. I turned my head, meeting his frightened gaze. "What did you take?"

"Aleve," I said slowly. "It's a painkiller."

"But why?"

I rolled my eyes as I limped back over to my bed. How in the world did he still not get it? "Gee Edward, I don't know. Maybe you should think back to all those years of medical school you had and figure it out."

To say he looked surprised is at my snark is an understatement. Yet underneath his shock, he was also visibly confused. "What are you talking about Bella?" he asked, shaking his head as he followed after me. "I don't get it."

I crawled back onto the bed, sighing as the cool pillow came into contact with my face. "Yeah right. You're not that stupid. You know what I mean. You just want to make me say it so you can go back to your family and tell them stories of the stupid little human, and her stupid little human ways."

Edward sat down beside me. He placed a hand on the small of my back and, looking me in the eye, he said gently, "You know I would never do anything like that to you. I honestly don't know what you mean Bella. I promise, okay? Please, tell me. I'm worried about you."

The sincerity that rested in his eyes was so clear, that I then _knew_ he was being honest with me; it made me feel bad for doubting him. The feelings of guilt that had risen to the surface, however, quickly left when I realized that this meant I'd have to tell him what was really going on.

"Oh come on," I said, a blush rising on my cheeks. "You have to know what I'm talking about. You went through med school, for crying out loud! More than once, even!"

His eyebrows went up. "You're blushing?"

I groaned. "Please Edward, don't make me say it. You can get this, I know you can."

His brow screwed up in a look of confusion, taking a deep breath as he pondered my sudden embarrassment. All of a sudden, his eyebrows shot up and his mouth formed an 'o' of understanding. I snorted to myself as his eyes finally met mine. _It's about time!_ I thought.

"Oh," he said. "Right. Got it. Um... Well are you feeling better? Uh, are you, uh... well I mean-"

I sighed, slightly amused at his stammer. Even though he had a medical degree, he was still a man. This sort of estrogen driven conversation was too much for his poor, non-beating heart.

"Do you need s-something? Or, uh, should I bring, uh, you a-"

"Edward," I said, interrupting his rambling. "Just leave me to wallow in my embarrassment in peace, please. This is something that, as demonstrated, you _cannot_ help with."

"Right," he said. "Sorry. Um... I guess I'll see you at school Monday." He walked over towards the window and stuck his leg through. He sent me one last sheepish look before he made to pull his entire body through, but I stopped him.

"And Edward," I said, causing him to pause. He turned around, catching my steady gaze. "Don't mention this to anyone."

He nodded once, his eyes widening, and then went through the window and out of my sight.

* * *

I knew immediately from the twinkle that had taken up residence in Alice's eye when she and Edward picked me up from school Monday morning that she had foreseen Edward's and my exchange. I could feel a small blush overtaking my cheeks when she leaned over to me, a sly grin on her face, and said, "Don't worry Bella. Edward won't say anything to anyone. You included."

Relief flowed through me, but it was quickly punctured by a dark thought. "And you?" I asked her glaring at the pixie.

She laughed. "Little old me? I would never tell anyone about your predicament." I breathed another sigh of relief and got in the car. It wasn't until she had climbed into the backseat and was safely out of Edward's and my reach that she said, "And don't worry, I won't say anything about the dimness of Edward either."

* * *

So that's The Dimness of Edward revised! Next up: Of Brainlessness and Bras! Keep on the lookout for that one; it should be up in a week or so!

Please review! They make me happy!

-Selene


	2. Of Brainlessness and Bras

I could feel her eyes hunting around the room, searching, staring... She was watching for me, waiting for me to make my move. No, not even that, she was waiting for me to decide what to do. An unfair hunting technique, yes, but since when had she ever been fair? No, this was war, and she was in it to win it.

The hunter stocked its prey, growing closer and closer to where I stood, hidden and terrified behind a rack. A chill slipped through me as I sucked in a deep breath, shuddering. It was only a matter of time before she found me...

Out of the corner of my eye, I glimpsed her lithe movements near me, and I let out a gasp of horror. Her head whipped in my direction, searching for me. She hadn't seen me yet, but if I didn't move, I would soon be discovered. Turning away from her, I slowly inched my way out from under the sales rack, creeping towards the exit. I prayed that if I moved quickly enough, I might make it. I turned my head slightly, hoping to see her looking in the other direction-

But she had disappeared.

I froze, not wanting to make any sudden movements and give away my position. If she had seen me, if she had heard even the slightest rustle of my clothing... I shook off the thought; I couldn't lament about that yet. I had to get to the door. I slowly turned my body around, preparing to make a break for it.

And then she pounced.

"Bella! There you are," she shrieked as she flew at me in full force. I let out a small scream, embarrassingly surprised by her sudden appearance. "I have something else for you to try on, silly! Where are you going? Come on, the dressing room is this way."

She gave a pull to my hand, and I had no choice but to follow. I looked up into the eyes of my attacker, hoping against hope to see some kind of sympathy there, but I had no such luck. I was looking into the eyes of a determined Alice Cullen. And not just any determined Alice Cullen, oh no.

This was a determined Alice Cullen _who wanted to take me shopping._

I was living in my own personal hell.

Maybe I should back up a bit.

It was a warm spring day, perhaps a week or two after Edward and I had informed Charlie of the engagement. That, in and of itself, was quite the ordeal. His reaction, though initially understated, was almost scary, in a way. He was completely silent, almost as though he didn't have an opinion on the matter at all. And then he gave... "the talk." If Edward's face could have flushed, I'm sure that encounter would have caused him to turn bright red. The awkwardness lasted for over an hour, as Charlie subjected us to statistic after statistic... Of course, in the end he gave his consent, so I suppose it could have gone worse; at least it wasn't a complete nightmare.

But that warm, spring day a couple of weeks after we'd told Charlie of our engagement _was_ a nightmare, though it hadn't begun that way. Initially, everything had seemed normal; I'd woken up, made Charlie some breakfast, and then rushed out the door to go to the Cullen's place to 'go over wedding plans.' Nothing strange, nothing out of the ordinary. But when I got to the Cullen's place that day, everything changed.

I had barely given Edward my customary good morning kiss when Alice came flying into the room. She pulled me away from him, shouted out something about how we were going shopping and we'd be back tonight, and then pushed me out the door. I managed to turn around to see Edward's bemused face shift into that crooked smile I love so much, and then we were gone.

I blinked, pulling unconsciously at the seatbelt across my shoulder, before I sighed, turning to face the eccentric pixie before me. "Alice," I said as calmly as I could. "Where are you taking me?"

"You'll see," she answered, keeping her eyes uncharacteristically on the road and continuing to speed in the yellow Porsche Edward bought her after she agreed to kidnap me not so long ago.

"Alice," I said, my voice taking on a warning tone. "Where are we going?"

"Fine," she sighed. "You want me to spoil the surprise, then be my guest. I'm taking you to the mall in Seattle. You know, the one by that indie bookstore you like?"

I made a face. "The 'super' mall?"

"Oh, don't sound so disgusted. We're going to go shopping today, okay? Just the two of us. Now don't pout, we'll be there soon."

I couldn't help but clench my teeth. Could she be any more presumptuous? "And why are we going to the mall? I thought you had picked everything out for the weeding months ago-"

"It's not for the wedding, it's-" Alice paused for a moment, biting her lip, before she spoke again. "Actually, you really don't want to know."

Warning bells began to clang ominously in my head. "Oh, I think I really do," I said, wondering what this crazy pixie had in mind.

"Bella-"

"Alice!"

"Fine," she snapped Without warning, she let out a light-hearted, and yet disturbing, laugh. "I was going over wedding plans for you in my mind and I knew I was missing something, so I thought it would be best to take a peek into the future and see what I still needed. Imagine my surprise when I see you, a still human Bella, getting down and dirty with no-nonsense Edward, my brother."

I could feel my face flush scarlet. How could she... That was... Oh, it was so not good. "You had no right to look at that! That was private, something between me and Edward!" I snapped.

But Alice just continued on like she hadn't heard me. "Of course I didn't watch for long because that would have been horribly rude, and not to mention a little disturbing. Watching you and my brother, I mean. But one thing that I could not get out of my head was what you were wearing. I mean honestly Bella, this will be your first time! You can't just wear any old bra and panty, you have to show off a little. White may be great for church, but for your honeymoon?"

My eyes widened as I realized where this was headed. "Oh no," I said, dreading the thought of it.

"Oh yes," said Alice happily, stepping on the gas pedal.

Which is how an hour later I was getting out of the car and being pulled inside the infamous Victoria's Secret by a very enthusiastic Alice.

* * *

When we first stepped foot in the store, Alice sat me down in a chair by the dressing rooms and proceeded to dart around the entire store, looking at everything in sight that might be worthy of being worn by me during my 'special night'. After all of five minutes, she came back with an armful of bras, boy shorts, thongs, bikini cut, corsets, and teddies, all waiting to be tried on by little old me.

"Now go and see what fits while I finish looking through the store, okay? I'm not sure if I did you justice yet, but I know we'll find something here!" Alice ordered me, shoving me toward the dressing rooms where a girl who said her name was Sherea unlocked the door and told me with a big, fake smile on her face that if I needed any assistance she would be there to help me out.

Right, like I needed any help when I had the unstoppable _Alice_.

With a sigh, I reached into the pile and pulled out a red lace corset. I stood there staring at it for a second before I promptly threw it aside, knowing that there was no force on earth that could make me wear that thing. What would be the point? Wasn't the entire purpose of sex to end up in wearing nothing, anyway?

The next torture item Alice had set aside for me was a cheetah print push-up bra and matching thong set. I sighed and decided it couldn't hurt to try it on because no one would see it. I put the bra and thong on and looked at myself in the mirror, feeling completely and totally ridiculous. Was this supposed to make me feel sexy? Because all I felt was stupid; I looked like Cruella De Vil. I was just about to take it off when I got the shock of the day.

Alice barged into the dressing room, somehow managing to bypass the lock on the door.

"Wow Bella you look so great! Doesn't she look great?" she said, pulling Sherea into the dressing room where I stood, arms crossed over my scantily-clad chest, freaking out. "You see, we're shopping because she and her fiance have a special night planned, if you know what I mean," Alice told Sherea with a wink.

My mouth dropped open in surprise. _What the hell is she thinking_? I mentally seethed. _This lady's a total stranger! I don't want her to know... _that!

"Oh, well in that case, you really should go look in our biofit section. We have some great bras for comfort that will really show off her, uh, assets," Sherea said with a laugh.

"Oh really, I didn't think to look there, maybe I-"

I had a burning need to halt the awkwardness, and so without waiting for a pause in the conversation, I interrupted. "If you're done talking about me, I really would like to change."

"Of course," said Alice. "And here," she handed me another slew of undergarments. "I got you some more stuff to try on. Be quick about it, but make sure you come out to model it all for Sherea! Her opinion is really helpful." With that, she flounced out of the dressing room area, looking as graceful as ever.

I, on the other hand, got dressed as quickly as I could, and bolted away from the dressing room. That was when I tried to make a break for it, to escape all of this insanity. I don't know what I had been thinking; maybe that I could call a cab, or maybe Charlie would come and take me home. I knew there was no way I could even consider calling Edward, but even so I was one hundred percent miserable and I wanted out.

My dreams died, however, when Alice caught me and dragged me back to my doom.

* * *

After what felt like a lifetime, but was probably no more than a few hours, Alice and I walk out of Victoria's Secret, each carrying a shopping bag of our own. She had finally managed to convince me to get a few push-up bras and some new thongs, after the no lace or cheetah print rule was installed. She did, however, get her way on the color choices, choosing black, red, and pink, claiming that they were sexy colors and sure to drive Edward wild. _I,_ personally, was stuck on the notion that Alice was trying to tell me how to drive Edward wild. That was wrong on so many levels.

On the car ride home, however, things only became even more awkward since Alice was exclaiming over how cute her corsets were, and how Jasper was going to love them. I couldn't help but start start mentally gagging and praying for the ride to end. I wanted her to talk about anything else, anything but that; I_ so _did not need the image of Alice in her new corset and Jasper going at it in my mind.

"Do you think he'll love it? I think he'll love it. But really, Edward is going to be so surprised when he sees you on that special night. But in a good way, so don't worry about that. He'll think you are really... well, beautiful is the word he's going to use, but I bet he means sexy. This is definitely a good thing, you know? But you have to do your hair nice too, because I noticed that it was just kind of there and it didn't really have any body. Not that he'll really be paying much attention to your hair, if you know what I mean. Still, maybe I could come over and do it for you before-"

I changed my mind. I much preferred her discussing her and Jasper.

An eternity later, we pull up to the Cullen's house. Alice tactfully hid my bags, leaving me to stumble out of the car, shaking my head over the stupidity of it all. This was almost worse than when Edward found my on my period last month. Almost.

Speak of the devil, Edward ran out of the house and enveloped me in a hug, temporarily making me forget all about the horror that Alice had put me through earlier that day. It felt so good to be back in his arms, just the two of us together, needing no words to describe our happiness. The world was set right again when we were together, and everything was perfect.

And then he had to go and ruin it.

"So I hear that Alice took you shopping, Bella" he said, a grin forming on his face. "I bet you weren't too happy about that. I know I wasn't. I missed you today." He kissed the top of my head, smoothing my hair down, as I basked in the glow of his sweetness. "So what did you guys get?"

I could feel myself blushing, though I couldn't help but scowl at the ruined moment. "Um, we didn't really go anywhere. Alice was just doing some wedding stuff and decided to bring me along. Nothing much, you know? Just girl bonding."

Edward may have been dumb when it came to the whole "period thing," but he wasn't falling for this one. "Nice try," he said. "But I don't think so. The only thing that was supposed to be done today was secure the location, and I did that this morning before you came over. You want to try again?"

My blush deepened. "Umm, not really."

Edward held my face in his hands, his gaze boring into my own. I felt like I could melt into his eyes, and I was sure that he was thinking something along the same line, at least, until he muttered, "You're blushing. You're lying and you're blushing. Why are you blushing so hard?"

"No reason," I said hoping he would drop it. He only frowned at me, though. I knew that he would ask again if I didn't answer, so I sighed, praying that he would let me be embarrassed in peace. "Trust me, you really don't want to know."

"Oh, I think I really do," Edward said, echoing my words to Alice this morning. "If you don't tell me, I'll ask Alice."

"Actually, this was all her idea. I had absolutely nothing to do with it. You probably should ask her, to tell you the truth, but I doubt she'd tell you. She was all about making this a big surprise. Well, a surprise for _you_, anyway. That didn't stop her from running around and telling everyone at the store," I added under my breath.

Edward, however, just raised an eyebrow. "Bella," he said, the tone of warning evident in his voice.

I sighed again. "Let's just say that she saw something in the future that has to do with my wardrobe that she wanted to change. Something I would rather she didn't see." I said slowly as I grabbed his hand and began to pull him towards the house. "I'm sure you don't get it, because these sorts of things are, apparently, off of your radar, as the incident last month proves, but..."

But to my surprise, as soon as we walked through the door to his house, his eyes widened and his gaze shot down to my own, as he said, "Oh my god, she did not see _that_." He sounded so embarrassed, just like he had last month, that I knew for sure that he had actually understood.

"Bingo," I said sullenly.

"What... but how... Why? Did she even... What was she looking at _that_ part of our lives for?" If Edward could blush, he would have. He looked so worried, so horrified at the notion of his sister watching as he... took my virginity, that I was almost amused by the events of the entire day. Almost.

"Don't ask me," I said. "I was just along for the ride."

"Wait, what did she get you?" I was pleased to hear a horrified tone in Edward's voice, and I couldn't help but sigh in relief; I knew that there was no way he would have wanted me to wear what Alice got me unless I wanted to.

"Trust me, if I hadn't reigned her in, you would have had to see what Jasper is probably seeing right now." If it was possible, Edward looked even more sickened. "And I got to hear all about how much Jasper would like it on the way home."

"What about me?"

Edward and I turned around as one to see Jasper standing behind us, an eyebrow raised, looking confused. He seemed to sense the anger coming from Edward, and the embarrassment coming from the both of us, and he was doing well to keep his distance. "If she's not with Jasper..." I said, mild panic beginning to run through me. "Then..."

But it was too late; Alice had stepped into the room.

"There you are, Jasper! I've been looking everywhere for you. I went shopping with Bella today, and I got some stuff that I think you might want to see... What are you two doing here?" She exclaimed, stopping her flirtation to raise her eyebrows at Edward and myself. I wasn't sure who looked odder: me, standing there blushing like mad, or the great, fuming Edward.

"Alice," Edward said in his overtly polite, diplomatic voice. "What were you thinking when you decided to peek into our future and saw... what you saw?"

Alice's eyes widened into a horrified gaze as she turned to me, her mouth dropping open. "You _told_ him?"

I couldn't help but roll my eyes at her, a small smile forming on my face at her distress. "Well, yeah. You never told me not to say anything. You just said he would be surprised, which, by the way, you were right; he most certainly was."

"But- but why?" Alice exclaimed, backing her way behind Jasper as Edward snarled at her in fury.

"Because we're engaged, silly," I said, fully laughing for the first time that day. "I love him and I want him to know that someone else knows... our plans. That little snag kind of makes keeping them a secret a little bit harder, you know."

"But... but I, uh, I mean to say that, um, can you... well-"

"Will somebody _please_ tell me what the hell is going on?" Jasper thundered, shocking Edward into breaking his stance. Silence filled the room for a moment, before Edward broke out into laughter, chuckling away merrily. Alice soon relaxed and started laughing too, and it wasn't long before I joined them. Edward's arm wrapped around my waist, hugging me close to him, as the three of us kept cackling away.

Jasper, on the other hand, could only stare at us, his brow furrowed, as he tried to figure out what had just occurred. After a moment's pause, however, he gave up and shook his head. "All three of you are idiots," he stated, before he proceeded to storm out of the room.

I couldn't help it; I started to laugh harder.

* * *

Later that night, I curled up against Edward's side. One of his arms had snaked its way around my waist while the other softly stroked my hair. Alice sat in the seat across from us, her lips pursed together into a slight pout. In an uncharacteristically patronizing tone, Edward said to her, "And what have we learned today?"

Alice sighed. "Don't meddle in other people's business without asking them first. Especially yours or Bella's."

"And..." Edward prompted.

"And I shouldn't have gone looking into the future for something so personal like that. It was wrong, and I shouldn't have done it, and I'm really sorry," Alice said, her head bowed in mock shame.

"Apology excepted," I said, leaning up to kiss Edward on the cheek. "Edward?"

He looked as though he would refuse for a moment, but then he glanced down into my pleading eyes, and, finally, said resentfully, "Yes, Alice. I accept your apology too." Then his face brightened. "Well, at least one good thing came out of this mess."

I couldn't help but raise an eyebrow at him. "And what could that possibly be?"

Edward smiled wickedly. "Now Alice can't threaten to tell people about my brief second of dimness anymore."

Alice rolled her eyes, but rose anyway to take the bait. "And why is that?"

Edward chuckled softly to himself. "Because if you do, I'll tell them of your brainless moment," he said. He didn't get to laugh for long though, because he was too busy catching the vase that Alice had thrown at him.

* * *

Here's Of Brainlessness and Bras rewritten! I should have the next one in this four-part series up in a week or so. Please, please, please tell me what you think of it! I hope that you all enjoy it!

Happy Halloween, for those of you who celebrate. What were you? I was an Austin Powers back-up dancer... took too much explaining, haha.

Please review! Reviews make me happy!

-Selene


	3. Insanely Idiotic

It was another cheerfully warm day, the sun hidden by the light clouds that covered the sky. The warm air was only occasionally cooled by the light breeze that passed in front of the church every so often. The white church was filled with people of all status, whether they worked at the police station or they were from out of town. Everyone was standing as one, side by side, as the bride and groom exchanged their vows, the wedding ceremony nearing its end.

Light shown through the stained glass windows, dancing across the gleaming white-washed walls in a variety of colors like a rainbow across the sky, twinkling and shining here and there. It was pure beauty, and everyone was in awe at the magnificent wedding that was taking place before them.

Edward and I stood together, hand in hand, seeing nothing but each other and the love that shone through our eyes. Staring into Edward's gaze was a miniature trip into heaven for me, for just one look made me feel like I was falling into a blissful slumber in which he would always be by my side.

The ceremony continued on, the vows being lovingly exchanged, until finally, the minister said, "If anyone here knows a reason why these two should not be united in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace." Edward and I smiled at one another, unwittingly leaning in to kiss-

And then the church door opened with a loud _bang_.

As one, the guests inside the church turned to see what was going on. To my complete and utter disbelief, the interruption turned out to be coming from none other then Jacob Black. He stormed up the aisle, completely shirtless, with his eyes closed and his face screwed up in an expression of determination.

"What the hell..." I muttered to myself.

"You can't marry him!" Jacob shouted, hitting his bare chest with his balled fist. "He's not right for you, and he doesn't love you! But dammit, I do! Marry me instead! Don't throw your entire life away on this idiot! Please."

"What's this about?" the groom said, turning to the bride. "Who the _hell_ is this kid, and why the _hell_ does he want you to marry him? Answer me, Janet!"

"I don't know," the bride cried out in despair. "I swear, I've never seen him before in my life!"

Jacob's eyes popped open as the bride and groom continued to squabble. "What the-" He looked around wildly, realizing for the first time that Edward and I were _not_ the ones standing at the alter. "But I thought-"

Next to me, Edward chuckled. "Over here, Jacob," he called out drily. Jake spun around, his eyes searching before they connected with my own. Edward and I were standing in the second to last row of pews within the church, holding hands, and watching the wedding take place. Or at least, we _had _been. before Jake had interrupted everything...

"B-but," he stuttered. "I thought you were getting married!"

I shook my head as the eyes of the weeding-goers all turned to follow the drama and stare at Edward and myself. "The wedding is next weekend, Jake."

The werewolf grew comically red, his eyes widening in both surprise and comprehension. "Oh," was all he said. He paused for a moment, giving a small nod, before he turned on his heel and walked quickly out the door, shutting it behind him with a second loud _bang_.

Everyone was still staring at Edward and I as they whispered quietly amongst themselves about the display they had just witnessed. I sighed, turning to stare up at my fiancé. "I guess I should go and talk to him."

But Edward wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me closer to him, using one of his hands to stroke my burning cheeks. "No," he whispered in my ear. "He's going to wait outside until the wedding is over."

I nodded once, glad I didn't have to increase the spectacle even further by going outside; I just wanted everything to be over with. Unfortunately, the slightly frazzled bride was still trying to explain to the groom that she had no idea what had happened, and it appeared that the wedding wasn't going to end anytime soon. I swallowed. hiding my face in Edward's jacket.

Jacob had just ruined a wedding. Because of _me_. Crap.

After almost half an hour of torturous quizzing of the bride by the groom, the wedding was back on track, and before long, the ceremony had ended. Edward, the Cullens, and I said our awkward congratulations to the new family, before Edwards and I quickly hurried from the church as fast as my human legs would go. "God, how embarrassing," I muttered to Edward as we hurried down the front steps of the church. "I'll never live this down."

"I seem to recall you muttering something to Alice about how you'd never live down the 'period incident' either," he whispered, causing my face to flush a bright red.

He led me over to Jacob. The wolf was standing in his human form underneath the trees and away from the main doors. His hands were in his pockets, and he wore a guilty yet calculating look upon his face. Neither Edward nor I spoke upon reaching him, but just stood there, waiting. "Hey," he said after a few moments of awkward silence.

All I could do was sigh, at that point, and cut straight to the chase. "Jake, what the hell were you thinking?"

His gaze shifted upwards and found my eyes. "I was thinking that your wedding was today and I needed to stop you from making the biggest mistake of your entire life."

Oh for crying out loud... "Jake, the wedding is next weekend!"

He nodded, making a face. "Well, yeah I know that _now! _Especially since you were the one that told me. I feel kind of bad, though. Remind me to apologize for ruining the wedding of..."

"Mr. and Mrs. Numdim," I said through my teeth. "Mr. Numdim works with my dad. He's really good at holding grudges, by the way, and he'll _never_ get over this." Although the Numdims _were _invited to my wedding... I wondered if they would retaliate. Then again, Alice would probably _never_ let them in if they were planning on ruining her perfect wedding.

He winced. "Yeah, I'm sorry about that. But can you really blame me?"

My eyes narrowed. Was this a trick question? "Do you want an honest answer or would a lie do?"

"Okay, fine. You can blame me," he said with a roll of his eyes. He crossed his arms over his chest. "But come on, Bella, think. The girl I love is about to condemn herself to live her life eternally damned. I'm not going to let that happen. I _will_ be coming back next week to stop you, Bella. Mark my words. You will _not _change!"

The warning bells went off in my head, again, and I could just the horrible scenario unfolding. Edward and I saying our vows, the wedding going off smoothly, and then a huge russet wolf bursting through the door and scattering the guests. Edward would expose himself to defend me, Alice would be leaning back and watching the show while eating popcorn, I would once again look like a fool... This would _not_ turn out good.

Fortunately, I was spared from answering as Edward took control of the conversation. "You don't really have much of a choice, pup. It's Bella's decision to make, and she will do what she wants."

Jacob scowled. "I thought you were against her turning into a stupid bloodsucker like you."

Edward opened his mouth to answer but I interrupted him, figuring that for diplomacy's sake, Jacob should deserve to hear the cold truth from someone who wouldn't call him a _pup_. "He is," I said. "But the Volturi know that I'm still human, and if they see that I haven't changed by the next time they come and visit, then I'm as good as dead, and so are the Cullens."

A pained look crossed Jake's face. "I could care less about the Cullens, but you? You have to join or die, is that it?" He turned toward Edward. "Why is this her only option, bloodsucker? Why couldn't you save her from this catastrophe?"

I snorted. "Only you would think it was a catastrophe, Jake. And when did you start using 16th century phrases?"

He ignored my last statement, choosing instead to groan and throw his hand over his face, taking an almost melodramatic approach to the situation. "But you and I were supposed to be together, Bella," he said softly. "You and I were supposed to get married, and have lots of children!"

A blush flew to my cheeks at his choice of words, and Edward shook his head, and angry scowl taking hold of his features. "Look mongrel," he snarled. "Bella and I are going to get married, and then I am going to fulfill her requirement to her before I change into one of us. End of discussion."

Edward may have though that to be a good, sufficient answer, but I just stared. _Does he realize what he just said?_ I thought to myself, surprised.

Jacob picked up on it too, only unlike me, he had no idea what Edward had meant. "What requirement? Bella, what is he talking about?"

I could not _believe_ that we were having this conversation! What had Edward been thinking? "Nothing," I said, my voice a little higher than normal. I glared at Edward, who was staring back at me with a look of confusion on his face.

"What?" he asked me with a frown.

"What do you mean what? Do you realize what you just said?" I said, my voice filled with incredulousness. By now, my face was probably the color of Dorothy's ruby red slippers.

In a minor repeat of the period incident, it took Edward a second to get it, but when he did, his eyes widened. "Oh," he said simply. "I see. Probably not the best choice of words, I suppose, but-"

"N-Not the best choice of w-words?" I stammered. "Are you nuts? He's going to read too much into this, you know that!"

"Read too much into _what_?" Jake said in confusion. "I honestly have no clue what you guys are talking about! I mean," he said with a wave of his hand. "From the way you guys are reacting, you'd think you were talking about your wedding night or something."

Edward's eyes widened in surprise as his gaze darted automatically to me. I could feel my cheeks burning with embarrassment as I looked anywhere beside at the wolf before me. How could he have figured it out? He got the date of our _wedding_ wrong, for crying out loud, so how had he figured this out?

Jacob stared at us in surprise. "I was right?" he asked, "But... Bella that's not going to work. I mean, won't you be in the middle of changing into a dirty bloodsucker? Wouldn't that sort of..." he trailed off, his eyes widening as he watched Edward and I exchange glances. "Oh my god," Jacob said, paling suddenly.

Edward sighed. "Well that's that. He knows."

I snorted. "Only because you let it slip, which makes this all your fault," I accused. "The sad thing is that this means Jacob is officially smarter than you."

"How did you come to _that_ conclusion?"

I raised an eyebrow. "Need I remind you of the period incident?"

"Bella!" he hissed.

"Oh god," Jake said again, drawing our attention back to him. He was shaking his head, his eyes wide in a sense of horrified wonder. "You-" he stuttered. "And him... and human... and, and-"

"Jake," I said, before taking a deep breath. "Calm down, okay? Now listen to me. Everything is fine, okay? Breath. Everything's fine."

He complied, taking a sharp, deep breath, as he glared at my fiancé. He shuddered once, but managed to retain control over his form, and a sneer came over his face as he finally began to make his accusations. "Are you crazy!" he shouted. "Do you _want_ to get yourself killed?"

"I'm not going to kill her, mutt," Edward snarled, taking a protective step forward.

"No, you're just going to put your little leech hands all over her, never mind the fact that she might _bleed_ from your night of passion," he spat back at him.

A blush ran over my cheeks. "Jake! Please, we have it under control, all right? Nothing is going to happen-"

"No? Really?" he said, whirling around to face me. "You know that for a fact? You can prove that to me right now? Because it seems to me that _a lot _could go wrong, Bella. And really, what the _hell _are you thinking? Do you even know how old he is? And tell me this: how many people has he slept with before you, huh?"

Jacob's timing was, amusingly enough, very bad, for right after he spoke, the newly wed Mr. and Mrs. Numdim walked by on the way to the car that would drive them to the reception. The both of them overheard Jacob's exclamation. Unfortunately for us Mrs. Numdim seemed to think that Jacob's comment was directed towards her, and he was none too happy about it. Eyes narrowed in wonder, she turned to her husband and said, "The kid has a point, Walter."

His eyes wide with rage, Mr. Numdim spun around and faced Jacob. He snarled, "Who the hell are you and why do you have to keep interfering in our business?"

As embarrassed as I had been at Jacob finding out about Edward's and my most intimate plans, I couldn't help but be amused at the turn of events. _Serves him right for interfering in my business_, I thought.

"Stop that, Walter," the new wife argued, hitting him on the arm. "I've been wondering that for a year now. How many people have you slept with? Whenever I ask, you always change the subject. We're married now; it's about time you tell me!"

Jacob's face was slowly growing red as he realized that he had somehow managed to fall into a lover's sex quarrel.

Mr. Numdim, however, appeared to be oblivious to Jacob's obvious discomfort, because his glare deepened and he began to yell at the boy. "All right, so which of my ex-girlfriends paid you to ruin my wedding? Shannon? Libby? Kate? It wasn't Penny, was it? I thought she'd be over it by now, it was just a one night stand, and all."

Jacob, surprisingly enough, was intimidated by the short bald guy in a tux, and stammered as he answered Mr. Numdim's question. "No one, sir. I swear, no one paid me to come-"

Walter growled. "Of course you aren't going to tell me; they probably paid you to keep silent too! Now you listen to me, boy. Whatever they paid you to come here and ruin my wedding day, I will double it if you tell me who it was, understand? I'm sure for you that's a _lot_ of money, so you better-"

Mrs. Numdim, however, who had been strangely quiet throughout this whole ordeal, finally decided to step in. "That's enough Walter. This boy obviously knows nothing. However, you and I need to talk _immediately_. Who is Shannon? And who is Kate? And you told me that Libby was your dead cousin. And what the hell do you mean a one night stand with Penny? When? We've been together for two years! Walter, you had better-"

"This is our cue to run," Edward muttered in my ear, wrapping his arm around my wait. "Let's leave the happy new couple alone, shall we?" I chuckled, taking hold of Edward's hand before he and I ran down the street, fingers interlaced, to where his Volvo was parked, leaving a stuttering Jacob and a fighting couple behind us.

Hours after the wedding debacle had ended, Edward, Alice, and I were curled up on the couch across from a large, roaring fire. Edward and I were cuddled up together and recounting the end of the morning's ridiculous events for poor Alice who hadn't been able to see anything because of Jacob. Upon conclusion of our tale, however, all she could do was laugh at Edward for letting our little plans slip.

"Poor mut," Alice said, her tinkling laughter filling the room. "He's going to be scarred for life."

"I can't believe that you said that," I muttered, shaking my head in disgust. "You really weren't thinking at all, were you?"

Edward sighed. "Sadly, no," he said, running his fingers through my hair. "I _am_ sorry, Bella." He kissed the top of my head. "Please forgive me for my utter stupidity."

I couldn't stay mad at him for too long; even without looking at him, Edward's mere presence could dazzle me. "Sure," I said wrapping myself in his arms.

"Well, believe it or not, I think what Jacob did was a good thing," Alice said, her voice taking on a more serious tone.

Edward and I both blinked at the pixie, surprised by her reaction. "And why do you think that?" Edward finally asked.

"Well Mr. and Mrs. Numdim obviously have issues," Alice said with a smirk. "And the dog brought those issue out into the open. Maybe now they'll do the right thing and get some counseling, or talk to a therapist or something. They really shouldn't have gotten married in the first place."

"I suppose," Edward said, thoughtfully nodding at his faux-sister's words. "That's true. I mean, how could Mr. Numdim keep all of that personal information a secret from his fiance? If you ask me, he's the only one who needs counseling, not her."

"Not at all," I countered. "Mrs. Numdim does too. I mean, she _obviously_ wasn't persistent enough when it came to finding out important information about her now _husband_. If she was tougher, she would have gotten up the strength to ask Walter what his deal was."

Edward frowned. "I suppose you _do_ make a good point."

"Really though," Alice said with a laugh. "I would love to know what Jacob had been thinking when he chose to act so insanely idiotic. I mean, he can't _really_ have believed that was a good idea!"

"Oh, he did," Edward supplied, a grin forming on his face. "He had just watched one of those stupid heroic movies - you know where the superhero rides in on a white horse and sweeps the girl of his dreams off of her feet? He was hoping for something like that to occur. "

I made a face. That was just way too cliché for my liking. "And he actually bought that? That level of stupidity is so unlike him."

"Yeah, well don't worry," Edward said, tightening his hold on me. "Our little plans seemed to have turned him off to the whole 'rescuing you' idea."

"Thank god," I said. "Do you know how embarrassing today was for me?"

"Probably just as embarrassing as when the dimness of Edward occurred," Alice said with a smug smile.

But my fiancé's eyes only narrowed. "Or maybe as bad as when Alice had her moment of brainlessness."

The smile fell from Alice's face. "Touché."

I rolled my eyes at the pair. They were so immature sometimes. "It's too bad Jake isn't here. Then you could rag on him for his insanely idiotic moment like you do to each other." And we all laughed.

* * *

Here's the third oneshot! Only one more to go!

I've actually had a lot of fun revamping this story; it's taken me down memory lane, and it makes me excited to look over some of my other, older stories! Since I barely have time to write anymore thanks to school, extreme editing will have to do!

Anyway, thank you everyone for the reviews! I really appreciate them!

-Selene


	4. Stupid Spoilers

**Edward's POV**

It was a surprisingly cloudy day in mid-July of 2005 that I learned something truly surprising. My family and I were back in Forks for a week before we were to leave again, this time choosing to vacation in Russia instead of visiting Tanya's clan in Denali.

Practically on our way out the door, however, Carlisle idiotically told his co-workers that we were planning on hiking while we were gone. I'm not sure _what_ possessed him to do something so _stupid; _why did his colleagues need to believe he was doing _anything_?

Unfortunately for us, one of Carlisle's co-workers told him that Carlisle would need to pick up some of the quality supplies at Newton's Outfitters because the terrain in Russia was apparently really tough, so Carlisle got roped into buying a bunch of hiking gear that we'd never need.

So that was how I found myself sitting in front of Newton's Outfitters as Carlisle, Jasper, and Emmett walked idly around the store pretending to look for all of the stuff that we didn't need. And how did I occupy my time? Well, I waited for them to finish by reading the newest Harry Potter book.

I know, I'm one hundred and four years old, and here I am, sitting on a bench outside waiting for my vampire family to finish looking for hiking gear we don't need, so that we can get back home to Esme, Rosalie, and Alice and catch our plane to Russia, and how do I spend my time?

By reading _Harry Potter and the Half-Blooded Prince_.

It's absolutely nuts to think that I could be interested in something so mundane, but for some strange reason I was. I mean, here was the tale of a boy whose life was almost as screwed up as my own was, and yet he still managed to overcome adversity and save the world... but I digress.

The book had come out the day before, and I had paid extra so that I could get priority shipping on it. I received it early this morning, and was already to the part were Hermione had just passed her apparition test and Ron had just failed his. It was beginning to get interesting.

"Hi there, Edward!" a chirpy voice said from behind me. I turned my head to see none other than tiny Jessica Stanley sitting down next to me on the bench. The curly-haired gossip was perched on the bench and looked as though she wanted to jump my bones. I couldn't help but shiver, disturbed by the thought.

"Uh, hey Jessica."

She giggled as though I had just asked her out. _He knows my name!_ She thought happily. Of course I knew her name, there were only a few hundred people in the entire town of Forks, Washington. It's not that hard to figure it out... And then she noticed the book.

In retrospect, I probably should have just stayed home to read it, but Carlisle was so adamant about portraying the look of male bonding that I'd given in and let them force me into coming along.

"Oh," Jessica exclaimed. "You're reading the new Harry Potter book! How exciting! When did you get it?" Jessica, the chatterbox that she was, didn't let me respond and just kept on talking. "I stood in line all day in Seattle just so I could be the first person to get the book, and then I stayed up all night to read it! I just finished it this morning, how far are you?"

Oh crap.

"Uh, I just got to the part where Hermione had passed her apparition te-"

"Oh, you're getting to such a good part!" _That's right before where Harry takes a sip of the Felix Felicis potion and he finds out that Slughorn told Voldemort everything about Horcruxes and that Voldemort had planned to split his soul into seven pieces!_

Well. There goes that little surprise.

You see, _this_ is why I like to read old books. No one has ever read them before and if they have, they don't remember the important things. On top of that, I just had to pick the one book to read in public that Jessica Stanley had actually read.

In an effort to get away from her before any more spoilers found their way to me, I nodded politely and said, "Well, it was nice seeing you again, Jessica, but I really have to run. My family is going to Russia, you see, and I have to help Emmett pick out a new jacket, so if you don't mind..."

Jessica looked crestfallen for a fraction of a second before she smiled again. "Oh, okay. Just keep reading; it's about to get really good!" _Just wait until he finds out that Harry and Ginny get together, Draco is working with Voldemort, and that Snape kills Dumbledore! Oh my God, Snape!_

I sighed and closed the book. Jessica raised her eyebrows at me. "Aren't you going to bookmark your spot?" she asked curiously.

I shook my head. Stupid spoilers. "It doesn't matter anymore," I muttered before turning on my heel and walking inside the store.

_2 years later..._

_Bella's POV_

It was another cloudy day in mid July, which has come to be no longer surprising, but is still certainly convenient. Edward and I were going to drive up to Seattle that day to have lunch with Angela and Ben before the wedding that was quickly approaching, so the cloud cover was much appreciated.

The only problem was, Edward was no where to be found.

"Edward," I called up the stairs in a normal voice, knowing that he could hear me despite the soft-volume. "Come on! Let's go or we're going to be late!"

"Oh, save your breath Bella," said Alice, coming into the room with Jasper in tow. "He won't be down for at _least _another half hour."

My eyes widened. Edward, late? More importantly, _my Edward_, late? "How come?" I asked.

"Oh, well, the new Harry Potter book came out last night, and Edward got it just this morning," Jasper said nonchalantly.

I raised my eyebrows in disbelief. "_Edward _reads Harry Potter?"

"Don't ask," Jasper said.

"Right."

"Anyway," Alice continued. "Edward wants to finish the book before anyone else does; that way he won't run into anyone thinking of what happens and accidentally come across spoilers."

"Oh," I said. That _would_ be annoying.

Alice said with a smile, "And he still has a ways to go with this book. He's only at the part where Voldemort realizes someone is destroying the Horcruxes. He still has to find out that Snape is a good guy who was in love with Lily throughout the entire series, and that Harry himself was a Horcrux, forcing him to sacrifice himself to Voldemort, but not actually die, This therefore protected all those around him, and ended the tale by Harry murdering Voldemort through using Expelliarmus."

"Dammit!" came the shout from upstairs, followed by the sound of shattering glass as a couch fell onto the grass from above.

"There you go," Alice said smugly as I looked on in horror. "I think that you'll be able to make your luncheon with Ben and Angela after all." And then she skipped happily away with Jasper trailing behind her. All the while he was shaking his head.

* * *

Finally, the reboot is complete!

I really appreciate all of you readers out there; thank you for being there for me over the years and taking the time to look at this! The next story I'll be revamping is a Harry Potter one; it's called 200 Things I'm Not Allowed to do at Hogwarts. Check it out!

Thank you to everyone who reviewed all four chapters! (If you review after I've posted this, I'll go back and edit it): hiphophottie, XxIHeartTwilightxX, and x-NewGirlInTown-x! I really appreciate you for sticking with this story and taking the time to do that!

-Selene


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